Don't argue when you drink or drag up the past: Relationship expert and advisor to The Bachelor reveals how you should react during a fight

  • We all have times where we regret the way we acted in a relationship
  • FEMAIL spoke to a relationship expert and advisor to The Bachelor
  • Samantha Jayne revealed how we can stop these knee-jerk responses?

We all know frustrated responses can cause a spiral of negative interactions that end a relationship.

But how can we change our behaviour?

FEMAIL spoke to a relationship expert and advisor to The Bachelor, Samantha Jayne, who has revealed how we can stop these knee-jerk reactions.?

'We are wired to protect ourselves but being defensive and not listening to your partner's needs is harmful to the relationship,' Samantha told Daily Mail Australia.

'Defensiveness is like going to war, it’s reactive, rather than listening with an open heart.'

We all have times where we regret the way we reacted to someone but frustrated reactions can cause a spiral of negative interactions that end a relationship

We all have times where we regret the way we reacted to someone but frustrated reactions can cause a spiral of negative interactions that end a relationship

Samantha explained that we often target the people we love the most?with our emotional defensiveness.

This is because these are the people who we are the most vulnerable with so it’s 'unresourceful protectiveness' and an act of self sabotage.?

She said that the way we should go about changing our knee-jerk reactions is by remembering that there are serious consequences.?

'Words can leave scars and potentially cause permanent damage. Knowing that there are consequences is a big motivator to keep yourself in check,' Samantha explained.?

FEMAIL spoke to a relationship expert and advisor to The Bachelor, Samantha Jayne, (pictured) who has revealed how we can stop these knee-jerk responses

FEMAIL spoke to a relationship expert and advisor to The Bachelor, Samantha Jayne, (pictured) who has revealed how we can stop these knee-jerk responses

HOW TO HANDLE ARGUMENTS?

Think before you speak - Stop saying nasty things, take a deep breath it will save you a lot of heart break

Don’t argue when you drink – you’ll be irrational, some things can never be forgotten

Stop dragging up the past – if you keep having the same argument over and over understand that you have your differences

Don’t try to change your partner and argue about everything at once.

Focus on one issue at a time – it will be easier to solve

Empathise – put yourself in their shoes do you know what things feel like for them?

Say I’m sorry

'When you are feeling crazy angry walk away, take time out and talk when things are not so emotionally charged,' she continued.

Samantha recommended a variety of rules to follow when dealing with your reactions.

Some of these tips are thinking before you speak, not arguing when you drink, not dragging up the past, not trying to change your partner and saying sorry.

To avoid simple miscommunication, Samantha said that listening is key.

'Fight fair. Avoid being emotional. During an argument don’t interrupt and give the other person an opportunity to speak,' she said.

'Listening is very powerful. Clarify what your partner said to ensure you hear right.

'Apologise and try to find common ground on something you agree with.'

To avoid simple miscommunication Samantha advised to listen carefully

To avoid simple miscommunication Samantha advised to listen carefully

If a miscommunication has occurred you need to let the dust settle before addressing the issue at hand.

Samantha also explained that we need to retrain our brain to change any negative thoughts into more positive ones when communicating in a relationship.

'The use of empathy is very powerful to help you see things from the other person's point of view,' Samantha explained.

'Remember negative thinking is unproductive and pointless. It is your imagination worrying about "what if".

'Negative self-talk is bad for your self confidence so instead face your problems and put a plan in place that provides you with a hopeful future.'?

Samantha also explained that we need to retrain our brain to change any negative thoughts into more positive ones when communicating in a relationship?

Samantha also explained that we need to retrain our brain to change any negative thoughts into more positive ones when communicating in a relationship?

Samantha's number one recommendation is to take time to stop, breath and ensure you are responding rather than reacting

Samantha's number one recommendation is to take time to stop, breath and ensure you are responding rather than reacting

Samantha's number one recommendation is to take time to stop, breath and ensure you are responding rather than reacting. This helps people to respond the way they want to instead of reacting instinctively.

'When you react it’s highly emotionally charged and you could end up saying some hurtful things,' she shared.

'Take some time out and when you feel less emotionally charged you can talk about the issue at hand.'

It is important that in your response you're not cruel and talk about how you feel as opposed to pointing out what the other person has done wrong.

'Remember negative thinking is unproductive and pointless. It is your imagination worrying about "what if"',' she said

'Remember negative thinking is unproductive and pointless. It is your imagination worrying about "what if"',' she said

Samantha told FEMAIL that you need to ensure you are not saying something hurtful, even though it is a natural instinct.

But if the other person isn't listening it could be a sign that you need to leave the relationship. She said if you truly matter they will listen to what you have to say.?

'Remember that it can be difficult to get over an argument, and if you keep having the same one over and over and things are getting very dramatic then maybe it’s time to call it quits,' she said.

'On the other hand if you break up after each argument you’ll end up alone. You need to be aware of the right balance.'??

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