Christmas begins with a Biggins: CRAIG BROWN offers his festive forecasts

You might settle for Christopher Biggins in panto but there's a good chance you will end up with Peter Andre

You might settle for Christopher Biggins in panto but there's a good chance you will end up with Peter Andre

You Want

A White Christmas.

You’d Settle for

An Off-White Christmas.

You Get

A grey Christmas with slush and black ice, 80mph winds, the TV on the blink and bus replacement services operating on all train lines north of Land’s End.

You Want

An office party where everyone bonds.

You’d Settle for

An office party where no one fights.

You Get

Janine from Accounts in tears because Rob from HR has been rude about her bum. Jeff from Production head-butting Steve from R&D, who’s now threatening him with legal action. The deputy manager’s PA, Sue, claiming that her boss has been behaving inappropriately and Glenda from Finance lashing out at the entire office because no one’s bothered to talk to her.

You Want

Everyone standing in respectful silence for the Queen’s Speech.

You’d Settle for

Everyone sitting in respectful silence for the Queen’s Speech.

You Get

The teenagers switching channels halfway through Her Majesty’s second sentence because a repeat of TOWIE is about to begin on the other side with Dad saying ‘Show some respect!’ and Granny saying ‘That’s ruined my Christmas’.

You Want

A Luxury Swiss Chocolate Assortment that’s beautifully wrapped.

You’d Settle for?

Ferrero Rocher in tissue paper.

You Get

A half-chewed Curly Wurly in a Londis carrier bag.

You want a white Christmas, you’d settle for an off-white Christmas but you'll get a grey Christmas with slush and black ice

You want a white Christmas, you’d settle for an off-white Christmas but you'll get a grey Christmas with slush and black ice

You Want

Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl.

You’d Settle For

I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day by Wizzard.

You Get

Christmas In Smurfland by Father Abraham and The Smurfs.

You Want

Peace and Goodwill to All Mankind.

You’d Settle for

Peace and Goodwill in this house.

You Get

Sally and Simon falling out over whether you have to build four houses on each property in Monopoly before you can build a hotel and Margaret saying she’ll never speak to Mike again after what he said about her mother, while on Any Questions four MPs you’ve never heard of bicker about post-Brexit trade deals.

You want everyone standing in respectful silence for the Queen’s Speech but you'll be lucky if you get it

You want everyone standing in respectful silence for the Queen’s Speech but you'll be lucky if you get it

You Want

A cracker joke to make you roar with laughter.

You’d Settle For

A cracker joke to make you titter.

You Get

‘Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.’

You Want

Lily James as Cinderella, James Norton as Buttons, and Simon Russell Beale and Mark Rylance as Ugly Sisters.

If you are unlucky this Christmas your turkey will still be spouting blood at 4.15pm, and the bread sauce will be burnt to a frazzle

If you are unlucky this Christmas your turkey will still be spouting blood at 4.15pm, and the bread sauce will be burnt to a frazzle

You’d Settle for

Michelle Dockery as Cinderella, Ed Sheeran as Buttons and Christopher Biggins and Lionel Blair as Ugly Sisters.

You Get

Jodie Marsh as Cinderella, Peter Andre as Buttons and Neil and Christine Hamilton as Ugly Sisters.

You Want

Champagne.

You’d Settle For

Prosecco.

You Get

A choice of tea or coffee.

You Want

Little Gemma to play the part of The Virgin Mary.

You’d Settle for

Little Gemma playing the part of the Innkeeper’s Wife.

You Get

Little Gemma as sixth sheep from the left for the third year running.

You Want

The turkey to be cooked by 1pm.

You’d settle for

The turkey cooked by 1.45pm.

You Get

The turkey still spouting blood at 4.15pm, and the bread sauce burnt to a frazzle.

?

The comments below have not been moderated.

The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline.

We are no longer accepting comments on this article.